This article is courtesy of Christian
Single magazine.
The list. We all have one. For groceries,
“to-dos,” what to pack for a week-long vacation.
There’s an inexhaustible laundry list … of
lists.
When
it comes to finding just the right house of
worship to call home, there’s also a list we go
through in our minds. Consciously, or perhaps
unconsciously, the standard of
“the-perfect-church-for-me” has been internally
defined.
The question to ponder: Where did we
get our list? On what parameters is it based ––
rational, emotional, spiritual, practical? Is
there a top-10 directory of “must-haves” and
“can-do-withouts” on file to give guidance for the
search for church?
According to Wendy Widder, author of the
forthcoming book, A Match Made in Heaven: How the
Church and Singles Can Live Happily Ever After,
there’s no mysterious formula when deciding
what church is right for you. There is, however, a
common denominator that crosses all single and
married demographics.
Teaching
Truth
“The number one thing to look for is a church
that teaches the Bible with integrity,” says
Widder. “If the church isn’t doing that, it
doesn’t matter what they offer for singles, the
experience will come up empty.”
Singles across the age spectrum agree with
Widder. Jenny, a 24-year-old operations technician
for the Saturn Corporation, visited a church in
Franklin, Tenn., and was immediately drawn into
the fellowship of the church, the warmth of the
congregation and the boldness with which the
pastor communicated God’s Word.
“I probably wouldn’t have stayed had the
preaching not been strong,” says Jenny. “It was
Bible-based, direct, in-your-face. It was real.”
Ditto for Jean, a 79-year-old retired nurse, who
started looking for a new church home after
spending almost 20 years in her previous older
adult singles group. She joined a church in
suburban Nashville because, “It’s a kind, loving
church, and the pastor is ministering to the
congregation with what I call ‘soul’ food.”
Plugging
In
For Al Hsu, author of Singles at the
Crossroads, step two of the church-hunting process
doesn’t involve what you can receive, but rather
what you can give back.
“The question singles need to ask themselves is
not, ‘What does this church offer me?’ but, ‘What
do I offer this church?” says Hsu. “If I commit to
this local body, how can I be salt and light and
help this church effectively minister to others
who may not be like me?”
“You want to look for a church where there’s an
opportunity to serve,” explains Widder. “Sing in
the choir, work with children … is there a place
for your gift to be used? It’s healthy to be a
part of a singles group that’s actively involved
in the life of the church.”
Edward is a divorced 32 year-old sales rep and
a member of a church in Charlotte, N.C. He
attended at the invitation of a friend, joined the
softball team and eventually came to know Christ
while visiting the church. Now a deacon, Edward
describes his church as a “young family church”
with the singles program “a work in progress.” The
idea of serving didn’t come automatically to
him.
“I decided I was going to be involved and make
a difference,” says Edward. “It helped me become
more assimilated into the church. Then it became
not a singles issue to the congregation, but
rather, ‘This is a new member to the church. We
want to find out who this person really is.’”
Step Out
Are you keeping track of your list? Checking it
twice? Bible-based church, numero uno. Second, a
place where you can engage your serving gifts. And
the third item to check off: Find a
singles-friendly environment. Easier said than
done. What clues should you look for on your first
visit?
“Churches that are singles-friendly will
provide a signal, in the bulletin and in their
literature, that it’s a place for all people of
all backgrounds,” explains Hsu. “There may be
specific things, such as divorce care classes or
single parenting workshops. If the church offers
these ministries, it’s probably a clue that
they’re on the radar.”
So for now, you’re internal scanner says this
could be the place. You’re coming back for more
observation. What next?
“Find out if it’s a church where singles are
represented in every area of ministry or if the
church is structured in such a way that a single
person has to pound down the door just to be
noticed,” says Widder. “Take the initiative. Look
for things in the bulletin you can sign up for
like a church workday, a Bible study or a men’s or
women’s function. It’s really important that the
single be willing to make that move.”
Hsu notes that while it’s incumbent upon the
single to be proactive, “many singles visiting
churches come from a place of brokenness. It’s a
riskier venture for the single coming in to take
that first step. The church has the responsibility
of receiving … [of] creating an environment that
evokes a ‘ministry of hospitality.’”
Widder agrees, with a caveat: “Ideally, people
in the church should make the first move. They
should, but often they won’t. We have to be
careful not to judge a church too quickly because
they don’t reach out and welcome us.” Widder
suggests following up the next week by calling or
emailing a pastor in the church. It’s a one-on-one
way for you to know the heart of the pastor and,
in turn, for the pastor to know your heart.
That’s the approach Jim, a 39-year-old
Christian radio announcer from St. Louis, takes.
Currently attending a church in Belleville, Ill.,
Jim has moved five times because of his media
career. Having remained single, he openly admits
he is praying for a wife, but doesn’t use that as
his ultimate guide for establishing a church
home.
“I definitely look for a singles group, but
ultimately, I want to be a part of a church that’s
doing the will of God,” says Jim. “It’s important
for me to make contact with the pastor, to know
who the deacons are and what the church’s mission
statement says.”
A Month of
Sundays
So how long should the process take? Jean
visited less than 10 churches. Jenny dropped in on
at least 20. The number of visits may vary. So
will the length of time to determine if this
church is “the one.”
“On average, you need to walk into a church on
any given Sunday and have seven people recognize
you and call you by name before you commit to a
congregation,” says Hsu. “That may take anywhere
from one to three months.”
The road to that
commitment begins with “the list.” For some, the
top of that list reads, “Someone to meet” or “A
place to serve.” For others, “A spiritual
environment in which to grow.” Eventually, all of
those roads lead to one destination.
“God created us to be in relationship with
people … and with Him,” explains Hsu. “[Churches]
are there to help fill both of those needs —
filling our God-shaped hole with God and,
secondarily, filling the people-shaped hole with
Christian community. The primary thing we want for
this community is to be a place where seekers, new
believers and Christians can find a safe place to
follow Jesus and travel that journey
together.”
